Missed the Queens Birthday Again.

Bloody hell i’ve missed the queens birthday again, no mean feat considering the greedy bastard has two a year and this one was a full blown shindig on Horse Guards Parade with the Trooping of the Colour, no doubt pasted on myspace and facebook, there must be a landfill site somewhere near Kensington and Chelsea just brimming with unwanted foot spa’s (must check on ebay) . Why would you give her a foot spa anyway when presumably she can get her Footman to lick her feet, i mean thats why they’re called footmen right? When we were kids my brother, sister and i debated as to whether the queen wee’d in the bath or not, we soon got on to pooing and decided that being royalty she could probably have a poo when she was in the bath and there would be a royal attendant on hand with a sieve to scoop out the royal fecund material, no doubt placing it on a velvet cushion in order to convey it to the royal khazi, which we imagined had a heated seat. We didn’t have central heating in them days and a heated toilet seat seemed positively ‘Tomorrows World’. Thinking back about it now, before we worked up to imagining a toilet seat containing a heating element we envisaged that she had a royal toilet seat attendant who’s job it was to be seated and warm the seat prior to the royal straining, or ‘The Pooping of the Colour’ as we called it. Which brings me neatly full circle.

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